Jake had these interesting blue eyes. They were quite possibly the darkest shade of blue i've ever seen. They reminded me of an inky blue sea on the night of a raging storm, splashing against the earth so violently but yet still so fluid and forgiving. He always had this charm about him, like he could say almost anything and still make it seem like harmless fun. Thats how he won over the ladies, and became one of my best friends. He never schmoozed me over with a cheap line. I saw him differently, so mysterious almost violent in a sense. Me and Jake had an interesting relationship to say the least. We were practically two very opposit people, yet we clung to each other and appreciated each other completely.
Jake was the social kind. The one that would drink real heavily and get the girls by the dozen. He never came across as creepy or a perv, if anything Jake's habit made him seem more human. Nobody seemed to mind Jake's womanizing, they thought it was what he needed, like he was filling some kind of void. It was a non-threatening habit,Jake and his ladyfriends had a good time together and no one was ever hurt so that was the end of that. I was the complete opposite, always shy, never been laid, and just plain awkward. Me and Jake had one thing in common though, we both liked to have fun. There was something slightly sexual about mine and Jake's relationship, only slighlty, like puppylove or chocolate covered strawberries. We were both straight guys who never dabbled or blurred the lines at all (atleast I can say that) but there were innocent flirtations and half joking advances that we both made on each other. A hook up was out of the picture, but after many passes made me and Jake decided we were just very close friends. I personally never found myself sexually attracted to Jake, I did find many of his girlfriends ideal though, but I would never mention it. Not saying Jake wasn't attractive, he was I guess what many ladies deemed good looking. He had a strong Italian face with a mane of short black hair which brushed widly above his eyes and down to his ears. He was physically fit and always seemed unaware of his appeal. When it was just me and Jake, we got along perfectly, like two strands of DNA. There were no sexual jokes, just two friends who were nice and courteous towards each other. But Jake was a showman, infront of groups me and him seemed to turn into the 1-2 punch, the travelling circus there to entertain. He's be the lion and I was the ringmaster, he'd always go over the top and be the life of the party (mostly while he was buzzed off a bottle of something) I never did drink, maybe an occasional wine here or there, but I kept it clean and PG-13 never letting myself go overboard. At first I was embarassed about my lack of party, at my age a university student was suppose to live for the weekend and go buck three days straight. That embarassment slowly faded as I observed everyone around me get juiced up. I then started seeing myself as exceptional, and almost prided myself in the face that I could remain so non-dependant on alcohal and still be considered 'fun.' Thats what I told myself, everyone was else needed liquor to make them fun, but me, to me it just came naturally. Physically I was tall and lean, surprisingly had a lot of muscle mass on me considering my skinny frame. I was dark skinned , had wild eyes, and exotic looks combined with a cheeky mainstream edge. (with my backwards hat, and Puma kickers) Although I was always told I had a striking presence (partly because of my light brown eyes) I never appeared that way in photos. I always looked drunk or hagard mainly because I hade full lips and thick eyebrows which akways made me look tired or grumpy when caight off guard.
At first I was slighly insecure and always aware of my odd looks, but as weird as it seemed I stopped tripping over the way I came off across and I gave much credit to Jake. Growing up I never really had that one friend or person in my life that I was compatible with. I argued a lot with a lot of people for the most part of my life and fumbled my way through adolescence. By the end of hugh school I had almost given up and told myself i'd be lucky if I could find myself a wife. I then went through this period where I tried to figure out what was wronf with me. Why for all these years was I unable to make any friends. At first I thought it was the way I looked, so I started going to the gym, (which by the way dind't help at all, I worked out for monthsupon end and still managed to look like the same lanky me who couldn't get any friends) I didnt know what else to change after that, I tried acting nice but it didn't last long, I would always feel shitty about myself after doing something 'mean' pr busting out attitude on someone. It was at this point where I abandoned all methods and just focused on surviving. Like going to school, getting good grafes and whotnot, anything else would come naturally and not by my feeble attempts. Sure enough something did come, but not after 2 lonely years in university where I had my doubts about my whole 'no worries' process about making friends. At 19 years old, I made my frist friend, such a pathetic feat, but when I met Jake I was overjoyed. For the past years of my life people would kid that they were losers, or had no friends, but I really didnt , I mean people talked to me, but maybe once or twice passing by, what I lacked was an intimate relationship, something personal and with depth. I constantly argued with my family and solved that problem by distancing myself from thhem emotionally (which seemed to anger them the most)One good thing that came from this period of emptiness was that I got to know myself very well. After highschool, I no longer settled for anything lower than what I wanted, I put myself first and always made sure that I felt comfortable and 'okay' with everything going on. So technically I did have one friend before Jake, myself.
I often made a big deal over my friendship with Jake. Jake was the first person who was nice to me, and not in the super-subordinate relationship like my parents were. I would consider myself lucky to have Jake as my friend, I wasnt even sure if Jake even considered me a good friend but still I was stoked, I no longer had to hide in the bushes anymore, I was no longer a stranger to this world that I spent 19 years living in, I could sing and dance and be happy like all the other normal university students. I felt great, I felt alive and much of this did not have to do with how great of a friend Jake was, I seemed so overjoyed because my lack of friends in the past, I couldn't screw this relationship up, I just couldn't, God wouldn't do this to me. I was desperate for a friend, and that was something Jake never knew. He never knew how lonely I was, he never knew how much I truly needed his companionship, because if he did he would have surely been intimidated by that fact. Jake saw me as the intelligent one, although Jake was older than me by three years he always came to me for advice, he saw me as mature and levelheaded, the one who always kept his composure and made smart decisions. I often thought that was my only use, that my intelligence was the only likeable quality abbout myself. I only existed to make sure none of my friends fucked things up or went over the edge. Sure others called me funny and crazy and I even occasionally got cute as well, but I still wouldn't believe it. I was still in that "... im hideous don't look at me stage" and I refused to think elsewise. Despite all this, I never let Jake or anyone, including members of my family know the lengths of my loneliness. Frowing up I never felt exceptionally smart, or exceptionally good looking, or exceptionally nice or polite. I wasn't the smart child, or the 'cool' child. I felt I had nothing going for me. My brother told his friends I was the 'weird' one of the family, (and I was) I just didnt want to admit it. I always told myself that I would be happy with being boring. I wouldn't mind being average or plain, but that never happened. I was weird, weird to look at, weird sounding, and just plain weird. All this was in hindsight though, it was placed in a period filled with personal insecurities and confusion and I could safely say that I made it and I survived. I believed that the worst was over and it was time God started being nice to me.If something terrible happened to me, and I mean something seriously terrible I would just crumble and fall apart, just wilt away and die. At 19, I sort of became a positivist, because I knew that I suffered in the past and I paid my dues and it was time for the good times to roll, so roll they shall whether they wanted to or not.
ecstatic
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thekspot's journal
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rushed
i love you so much it hurts
empty
jealous
supernatural
